SOME REASONS WHY RELATIONSHIPS DETERIORATE
1. Lack of education in effective communication. We have not been educated in how to communicate openly and honestly. This will be discussed in detail in later chapters
2. Poor examples – Role models. We learn through imitation. We contain within us much more of our parents’ programming than we are aware of. We have recorded subconsciously the ways in which our parents behaved and communicated (or did not communicate) between themselves, with us and with others.
We now mechanically repeat this type of communication with our partners, children and friends. We tend to create the problems similar to those that existed in our childhood role models. If our parents were self-suppressing and non-communicative, we tend do the same. If they were competitive and aggressive we are likely to act in a similar way. In some cases, out of reaction, we may do the opposite, but this is also a programming.
If we are having communication problems with our loved one, it may be useful to work on transforming our childhood experiences. What we believe to be a problem with our spouse, may actually be simply a projection of a problem with one of our parents.
3. We do not take responsibility for our reality. Our beliefs create our reality. If we want a new reality, we will need to change our beliefs about ourselves, others and the world around us.
It will do no good whatsoever to blame the other for what we are feeling. He or she will just harden his stance and stay that way. No one likes to be criticized or blamed. Even if down inside we know that we are wrong, we do not like to admit it as long as we are being blamed.
4. We expect the other to fulfill our needs and expectations. We believe that the other, in some magical way, is going to supply us with what is lacking within us. No one can give us inner security or self-worth if we do not have it. If we want to create a harmonious relationship, we will first need to be in harmony with ourselves, which means developing inner security, strength, self-confidence and self-acceptance in all situations.